Christmas is gone.
I've never been a big fan of this holiday due to the expectations put forth by society.

This year was worse than others.

Here's to next year. May it be all that we need.

Perception of time is weird.

It would be nice to be young and have an understanding of life and how

quickly it goes by.

I couldn't believe how good the flowers smelled last spring. It was

like I had never smelled them before. To think of all the years that

have rushed past and what's worse is that it still happens.

It would be nice to sit in a meadow and ''be'' for awhile.



I jump to 3 weeks vacation this year. Maybe I'll find some meadow

days.

Monday Morning

I set it up so I could post from work.

I've had lots of things to say lately but they occur to me when I'm
elsewhere or I'm not able to put the thought down to where it makes
sense.

I said the other week in an email to a friend that I feel like I'm on
the outside looking in. This has happened to me at various over the
years but it's usually a feeling of not being part of the ''in'' crowd.
Lately though it has seemed more of just being an observer of life.
Not a participant.
I've been wondering what causes me to feel this way and I believe that
it is everything. Every little thing that happens effects me.
Some things have a negative effect and others have a positive.
Lately it seems that more negatives have been occurring so I think I'm
trying to distance myself from all things in order to avoid the
negatives.

I went out for Boney Fingers on Saturday and had a good time. I knew it
was something that I needed. To be amongst friends.

A sort of self-preservation.

I quit watching the news years ago because it was always so negative
and I found myself despising humans. For the most part it worked.


Break is over...

Well...

I think I will post my photos here Photoblog
I find that sometimes I have a photo to post and nothing to say and of course it goes the other way.

Went to see Boney Fingers in Racine last Friday night. had a nice time but I was in a bit of a weird mood.
Drove up to Milwaukee the next morning to take some photos and my camera batteries died... and so it goes...
Mom's stone has been set. Now I need a sunny day and good batteries to go snap a picture of it.



Things are drifting for me. Maybe I'm putting my life on hold till spring...
I went for a foggy walk through a cemetery after work the other day.
Pondering the beautiful people and the lives they lived. The huge stones with last names unkown.
Soldiers who gave their life and babies that never had a name. Very strange.
When I was younger I remember how important certain things were and now that I have aged a few years I realize that those things didn't matter much after all. I'm sure that years from now I will look back on this time and think the same.
So my current thought is that after we die do we look back on the lives that were lived and think how little they mattered in the grand scheme of things...

Had a couple of Christmas Ales from Goose Island and now my thoughts are scrambled. Posted a pic from my cemetery walk.
I need to quit holding my breath for the future and live in the now but I'm missing something from my now and so I hope for the future. All good things in all good time.

I believe my radiator woes are behind me.
I thought it was going to be easy and the work was, everything else gave me trouble all the way.
It started with the wrong radiator being ordered so it took a couple of more days to get the right one.
The rain moved in and I had to ride the bike back and forth to work in showers (I'm glad it wasn't downpours) for a couple of days.
Today the new radiator came in and I set to installing it...in the rain...
It was going alright till I had to lay on the ground to put the lower hose and the transmission lines on. Nasty !
Then when it came time to put the plastic shroud on the screws weren't long enough. I walked down to the parts store and they couldn't help me so I walked (still raining) down to the hardware store and found some screws that were longer.
Walked back home to find that the new screws weren't long enough either.
The shroud is now held in place by coat hangers. Filled her with antifreeze and it all seems good to go.

Going into work tomorrow for a couple of hours to work on a model changeover.
There won't be anyone standing around waiting for me to finish so I won't feel pressured.
I let my boss know today that I can't be superman and run around getting everything done.
There's other people who should be helping with these changeovers but I feel like it's all on me and the stress it produces leads to anxiety attacks which lead to depression. It took 4 days to get over the last model change.
It's not fair to anyone to let work affect me like that. I read a good article on stress and meditation today.
I've got to get around this somehow.
It starts with just a slight tense feeling in my arms or neck and then I start to worry about having an attack which only adds fuel to the fire.

These are flowers (Lilium Superbum) that grow wild in Owen's backyard.
Looking forward to next July when they flower again.


The days have been bleeding together lately.

The radiator on the van has a leak so I haven't gone anywhere.
I had to work this past Saturday so the money has been provided to fix the van. Now it's just a matter of ordering the part and putting some work into it.

Relaxing this evening with a glass of brown ale.

I've been working more on getting the old photos and negative scanned.
I'm doing the negatives at 1200 dpi and the photos at 400 dpi and saving them as .tiff files

Time for bed...bright-eyed and bushy tailed in the morning.

Grandpa (Frank Norman) is the third man from the right.

http://johntitor.strategicbrains.com/

Another Wednesday behind me...

The center of this flower is very cool. In person it's unreal.
Here's to spring and the return of the flowers.

Nice Mushroom.


Had a fun time last weekend. Raime and I went to Madison for food and drink on Friday night and on Saturday I went to see Boney Fingers in Okauchee.
Looking forward to seeing Boney again. The evening caught up to me quickly and I ended up snoozing in the car.
Did a little thrifting with Owen on Sunday and looked at cameras at Best Buy.
I'm looking at both the Cannon Digital Rebel and the Nikon D70. I'm leaning toward the Nikon...

My vote has been cast.

I'm quite happy with this pic.
It took me awhile to figure out how to do this with Photoshop.


Sarah had her first Chorus Concert tonight.
It was a nice time except for siitting on bleachers.
The 6th, 7th, and 8th grades sang a few songs each and
then they all got together and did The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

I had a very good day today !
I flew kites while I was doing laundry and then I went for a hike with my brother/.
To top off the evening I went out for a few drinks with friends for a birthday.

Paradise Springs by Eagle, WI


Life may be sweeter for this, I don't know
See how it feels in the end
May Lady Lullaby sing plainly for you
Soft, strong, sweet and true

Doing some work on cleaning tonight. I've almost got the upperhand.
Hoping for nice weather this weekend. T-Storms and warm temps are predicted.


I thought I was going to write about Mom but I can't seem to put thoughts into words.

Life is good. Death is weird.

Drove to Milwaukee on a wildgoose chase after work today. It was a nice cruise and the music was good.
Had a nice cup of coffee for the ride.

Cooking a pizza for dinner. Gonna go down to the brewpub for a couple of pints.

Seen better days...

I wonder how this happens to a house
What happened that caused something that big to get ignored.
It looks like a really nice house. There's nice trim work, interesting brickwork on the chimney, and a wood shingle roof taboot.

I had a very nice weekend.
The temps could be higher but...

Do you ever get overwhelmed by the human experience ?
Sometimes I think about everything at once and I find myself slightly dazed.
I was driving in the country Saturday afternoon and it hit me. It's like all the thoughts and actions of the human race hit you at once.
Think of right NOW ! and all that happens in this moment.
It makes your own little corner seem not as bad or seem like Heaven on Earth depending on your current view.

I miss my sandals. Rather cool outside.
The natural progression of the seasons continue. There's no way of stopping it.
I bought corduroy pants today and a corduroy shirt. It's gonna get worse before it gets better...

Tivoli Island. It's a nice place here in town where you can pretend you aren't in town anymore.

The picture is from Paradise Springs winter 2003/2004.



Winter time is coming.
I wonder what it brings ?
Usually everything dies and come February I'm ready to snap.

Work went well today till we ran out of parts.
Tomorrow I must go to Jefferson to oversee a reboxing mission. I hope all goes well and is as laidback as I need it to be.

I'm baking a bulb of garlic in the oven. This is the first time I've done this and it smells soooooo good
Eating some Brownberry Oatmeal bread for a snack. Sometimes I'm amazed at the goodness of things.

From Penny's front yard 10/10/04 5:55pm.
Hi Penny :-) It was nice seeing you !


No parts today at work.
Took 1/2 a day off to work on getting divorced and reaffirming my belief that it is a wise choice.
Feeling alright this evening. I was kinda tense at work but that has since passed.
Looks like pizza for dinner. I haven't made it to the store for shopping yet...
Lotsa stuff frozen solid in the freezer, nothing to eat.

Drove down to the spring and filled my carboys.
I was going to do it yesterday but I hung out at Penny & Randy's till dark and I didn't want to hang out by a watering hole on the edge of the woods and be a prime target for coyotes and other varmits.
Now I need to make it to Madison for a couple of beer kits.

The bedroom is coming along nicely. I have regained control of the closet and a large portion of the floor is visible and recently vacuumed.

Had a nice cruise on Saturday morning. Radio playing some good ol' Grateful Dead, top speed 40 mph wandering the back country roads. 3 hours of relaxation.

Pizza's done. Mushrooms and Canadian bacon.

I found a nice ironing board on the curb in Beaver Dam. I almost bought one the other day...I'm glad I waited.

Monday morning... This is a shot from Lowell, WI. I'm standing on the dam.

It's a rainy Friday. Woke up feeling less tense...see how the day goes.

I need to get out and take some photos.
Been over stressed lately for one reason or another.

Sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song

One of Grandpa's paintings.

Someone snapped this pic of me last night.
My camera made the rounds.


Had a great time last night. The happiest I've been in awhile.
Good friends, Good music.
A very full evening that drifted into the next day.

Winter gray and falling rain
We'll see summer come again
Darkness fall and seasons change
(Gonna happen every time)
Same old friends the wind and rain
(We'll see summer by and by)
Winter gray and falling rain
(Summers fade and roses die)
We'll see summer come again
(Like a song that's born to soar the sky)

This is one of my favorite flowers it grows at the bank down the street.


Today I feel better. I still feel not quite up to par but I'll make it.
Sarah and I are going out to look for a bike tonight. The right one is waiting for her to come along and buy it.
I signed up for a used pc at work. $63. I think with the purchase of it I now have a collection.

Made some headway on the bedroom this afternoon. Then I got stuck in a box of pictures...

I'll have to shut the windows tonight it was a rather chilly wake up this morning...

Sarah's home ~

Fun Pic.

I 'm on the tracks behind my Mom's.
Been wanting to do a pic like this and I've been down for the past couple of days so I thought I'd go out and be creative...try and brighten my mood.
It sucks when you know how good life is but you find yourself in a funk anyway.
Had a nice drive in the van jammin GD 12-30-86.
Sarah and I went out to eat. Keith is at work and said he'd be eating there.
I really like that pic...I'll have to do more, maybe involving more people.

I'm working Saturday 4:30am to 1:00pm. Sarah needs a new bike and the money is being provided.
Did some reconditioning of units at work the past couple of days. Most of them had gas in the tanks that we had to drain out so several of us got free tankfuls of gas. $40 worth for me :-)

Boney Fingers
Is playing in Ixonia this Saturday night. I hope for a good turnout.

Another weekend gone by. I didn't do what I had to do. I did what I wanted to. Maybe I'll write more later...

Monday morning is here. I had various dreams of being late for work last night. Looks like I'm gonna be on time.
Went to church with my brothers yesterday. The church library was named after my Mother.
The sermon was good and we went out for food afterwords

Off to work I go...

I don't know whether to be happy or sad when I find a note I left on a plate of cookies for my Mom over 2 years ago.

It's hump day !!
I've got a sign in the back window of the van that says DO NOT HUMP THIS CAR.
I found it on the train tracks.
I called a childhood friend on his birthday and got the answering machine so I called back the next day and talked for quite awhile. I haven't seen him since Keith was a baby.
The picture is my Mom's living room or at least how it looks now that we're going through things.
I wish I had walked through her house with the camera before we started moving and removing things.
Spent some time out there the other night. Very reflective...so I cranked up some Dead and cracked open a beer.
Work is being it's usual self. Stress on / Stress off
Hoping to catch some acoustic Boney Fingers this weekend. Dennis said he will email me when he gets the info.
Sarah has my Mom's bed. It's a nice bed and a definite upgrade for her. I'm still on the floor...maybe I'll meet someone with a nice bed...
Veggie fajitas for dinner tonight. Tomorrow is Catfish Thursday.
Briggs just started payroll deduction saving bonds at work so I signed up for $300 a year. 10 weeks before I get one. I'll post a pic when I get it.
My house plants are still doing their thing. I'm quite happy for them. I think the Jade wants some water. The leaf thingies start looking wrinkled when it wants water.
Still trying to get my room cleaned...I regained control of the kitchen but the bedroom (floorroom) still resists my attempts at organization. I do have a new really cool huge ass poster hanging on the wall. It GD related not a shot of a butt.
The clouds were really cool when I was out earlier but I didn't have my camera with me and when I got home I don't like the fact that to my west is a video store.
I'd like to relax on a blanket in a field listening to a show from '73...
Need more relaxation...stress kills the self.

Later...

Looks like a bright Sunday :)
Wish I had someone to share my morning walk with. There was a funny squirrel on Main St. but he wouldn't hold still to have his pic taken.
Going out to Mom's today to go through stuff and do some laundry.

Today went great. Tomorrow may be a different story but I'll take it when I can get it.
Have to be to work at 4:30 am tomorrow and I work till 3:30 pm. Then it's off to Madison for The Del McCoury Band which starts at 8:00 pm.
Saturday I have to be to work at 5:30 am and I get off at 3:30 pm. Gonna be a long one.

I had the song How Great Thou Art ! stuck in my head at work. I kept chasing it out with The Monkey and the Engineer. Didn't need to ponder loss.

Making some Chimichongas for dinner.

I need to clean the living room...


I took this pic at Parfrey's Glen. I need to get out more. My weekends always seem to have something going on and I don't get to just wander.

Well here it is another Wednesday evening. I've seen about 1994 of them. There has been many that were better and I'm sure there are quite a few that were worse.
I wanted to post something yesterday but the pc was acting funny...
It's my niece Azure Dee's birthday today but I did not see her and I don't know where she lives. I hope all is well for her.

I feel like something isn't right. My shoulders are awfully tense. I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel right again. It makes me wonder if it's caused by Mom dying or if there is deeper dark currents running. Before Mom went into the hospital I think I remember feeling quite good. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how it seems to me.
I slept for 3 hours this evening. Guess I was tired after work.

Mew is running around with a paper ball taking turns chasing it or carrying it in his mouth. He is so much the orange tabby cat. Soon he will be telling me it's bedtime.

Cracked open a Point beer to take some of the edge off of my neck.



Work was horrible stress today. I hate model changes. Maybe that's why I feel so outta whack. The changeover started yesterday and finished this morning.
I find that when I'm down/stressed like this that it seems I've been this way forever and I'll be this way forever. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're facing the wall.

I coined a phrase at work on Tuesday. I told a friend that I have been out of whack for a bit and that I needed to get ''Back in Whack''.
Here's to hoping that all of us whacked out people can get ''Back in Whack''

Bedtime it is...

Wildflower seed on the sand and stone
May the four winds blow you safely home.

Very strange weekend camping. Some things were very good, some things were very bad, and some things just left ya wondering why. It was quite the full weekend. Rather distressed today at work over some of the things that happened. I'm glad I don't know what the future brings for it would prevent me from enjoying the now. Got some house cleaning done and even threw some stuff away. Making some fish and fries for dinner tonight.

A picture of Mom :)

My oh my what a dragged out day. Work went good but I felt stressed all day. Was worried for a bit that I was going to have an anxiety attack. It took 2 years to feel ok after the demise of my marriage and now that Mom has gone the random depression has come back. I'll never get over Mom being gone but I do need to learn how to deal with it. It could be worse...both things could have happened at once. Weekends almost here ! I think I may make it. Got the houseplants watered today. It was fun and they are happy. Time to feed the kids...maybe I'll make it down to the brewpub for a pint :)

Good day today. Minor stress at work nothing too great. Went out looking for a pic. This is a spring you can only see when the river is low. Listening to Pink Floyd 11-21-69 that I got last night. Gonna make some tacos for dinner. Hope the weekend proves to be what I want.

Wednesday morning at 5 o'clock when the day begins...(really I have to be there at 5:30)
Gotta start being to work on time. Received my ''Official'' verbal warning yesterday. Rather depressed all day yesterday. Doing laundry in the evening helped me feel better and I got the van cleaned. I need to wash it with a bucket of soapy water. It's got some kinda haze thing goin on. Looking forward to the weekend. Music, friends, and camping.

Spent 5 hours at Mom's going through stuff. Owen was there aswell. Brought my discman in to play CD's on the stereo. It's much nicer when you have tunes going. The pic is the first time I've ever seen a mushroom growing on a tree. Seen lotsa fungus but never a shroom.

Went out to my brothers yesterday. Did allot of countryside cruising. Came home and fed Sarah then we went out to Owen's for a campfire. Kevin and Ronda came out and brought Jessica. We all hung out till after 3am. It was rather nice. Some minor talk about Mom but nothing too deep. Keith has been off with friends all weekend. I expect him home today.

Spent the day with the daughter.
Sarah and I started our day with some ice drinks from the coffee shop down the street.
We worked our way out to Madison and did some thrifting with limited success.
Spent some time down on State St. after finding a miracle parking spot.
We both had a good time.
This shot is from a local public hunting grounds that I like to go to with a camera.
Sunsets are finite.

Sarah and I went to Milwaukee last night and saw Robert Randolph & The Family Band.
We also got to see Los Lonely Boys. The bands were on adjoining stages so we hopped back and forth.
We got to hear the Boys play Sarah's favorite song by them.

I stopped at Owen's on the way home and talked about life...didn't get home till 3:30 in the morning.

Sarah and I are going to Lake Mills for some steamed corn on the cob and we may go out to Madison. I wish I had a car with good gas mileage...

I'll have to get myself a small car when Mom's estate is settled.

These mushrooms come up in my landlady's yard.
At one time there was a large tree in this spot.

Tuesday it is...
Working 10 hours tomorrow. I have to be to work at 4:30am.
Feeling a bit down this evening for one reason or another or maybe it's just that I came down from the coffee drink I had at 5pm.

I saw Penny today. Minor talk but the hug was nice :) 

Me by the Rock River 6-20-04 

Well here it is Monday evening, sitting down to eat. Worked late and dinner had lots of prep.
I made my own tortilla shells for the first time. I need to get the griddle that I saw at my Mom's house, I think it will make cooking them easier.
I made veggie burritos tonight. Keith complained that he needs meat but alas I not only buy the food but I cook it as well...
I'm trying to change my diet to improve my health. Gotta cut back on the bacon cheeseburgers.
These burritos are a little warm, must get milk.
Gonna try and make it out to Mom's tomorrow to go through more stuff, between staying late at work and the meal prep I didn't have time today.
It's also hard to be out there without Mom.
I tell myself that Mom isn't really gone it will just be 30-40 years before I see her again.
It's weird.

I had a lyric from the Grateful Dead song Black Peter running through my head when Mom was in the hospital.

See here how everything
lead up to this day
and it's just like any other day
that's ever been
Sun going up
and then the
sun it goin down
Shine through my window and
my friends they come around

I miss heated discussions with Mom. It's so weird to think that she's not a 10 minute drive from me.
As I gather belongings of her in my house I'm reminded of her everywhere I look.
I feel like there's a hole or a vacuum where she use to be.
I hope she was ok with dying. We didn't talk about it but I'm sure that if I knew she knew.
When she came home to die it must have been so hard for her knowing that she wouldn't be there to make easter baskets for us or bake a cake on our birthdays.
I'm sorry that Mom's body let her down and though I don't understand why I know that she is happy and wants me to be happy aswell.

Then sings my soul my savior God to Thee
How Great Thou art
How great Thou art

That part of How Great Thou Art will always remind me of Mom.
When the song was sung at her funeral it was so weird to not hear her voice beside me and at the same time my mind seemed to fill it in.

That's enough heavy thinking for one evening. Wish I had a beer but alas...

here it is the end of august already...
trees are starting to change...